Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month
/Did you know that October is not only Breast Cancer awareness month, but also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month? It’s an awareness month that isn’t often talked about, just like the topic it’s charged to bring awareness to.
Today I’ve decided to talk a little bit about miscarriage. Why? Let’s bring a little awareness into this small corner of our world. Let’s talk about something many women still don’t discuss to this day. I understand there are many possible reasons behind the silence- grief, shame, hurt, disbelief- whatever it may be, every woman who chooses to be quiet has her reasons. Just as every woman who chooses to talk about it also has her reasons.
If you Google search the rate of miscarriage you’ll find a decent amount of conflicting information. Some sites will claim one in four, and others will tell you 50%. As a clinician who is an avid reader of evidence based medicine, I found this article published in the BMC Pregnancy & Childbirth Journal quite enlightening. The article found shocking prevalence of miscarriage among women admitted into labor and delivery, a number over 40%. Now keep in mind, when you consider that percentage- that’s women who opened up about it. Women who knew they miscarried and shared that information. The percentage doesn’t include those who didn’t speak of it, and it definitely didn’t include those who weren’t aware they had miscarried (another percentage that is likely higher than one might realize).
So why does this topic fire me up? My personal experience with miscarriage ranges from my sister, to many close friends, to my own loss. To be completely honest, in my circle of friends and family, I know more women who’ve miscarried than women who have not. The even crazier thing is- I don’t think that’s nearly as unusual as I wish it were. I think this is a shockingly common occurrence, so if we push aside the grief and heartbreak of it (not actually possible but you know what I mean), what stuns me into action is how little women know or are educated about what the heck is happening when they miscarry.
First- you need to know that more likely than not, a miscarriage in the first trimester is “normal.” What the heck does that mean? It means your body recognized that something was wrong, and it took action. It does NOT mean that mama did something wrong, or that something is wrong with mama.
Second- The first point above does NOT make it okay. It does not, by any means, lessen your loss or your grief. The moment you saw two pink lines, you fell in love with the life growing in your body. In other words, do not let any one tell you that you shouldn’t feel sad, or heartbroken, or truly and completely devastated. This is a loss, and if you feel that way, it’s okay. You are absolutely allowed to feel it.
Three- more likely than not, you didn’t get a thorough explanation of what was happening when all of it started. So, you either found out you were going to miscarry while at a routine ultrasound and the news was surprising, or you found out when the discomfort or the bleeding started. Either way, it is devastating. On top of the heartbreak you also get the trauma of actually miscarrying. It’s an incredible amount of blood, a shocking amount of pain, and unlike in TV and movies- the process isn’t over in 10 minutes. More likely, you will have to do it all alone in your bathroom at home, for hours, hugging a heating pad while you’re crying non-stop and stressing your poor dog out (Fido is going to be VERY worried about you!). Or, on the other end of the spectrum, you’ll have a doctor informing you that a D&C is your only option and that if you don’t do it ASAP horrible things will happen to you. Let me tell you ladies- whether you chose to pass a miscarriage naturally or to do the D&C, there are positives and negatives to either option. However, there is not one single option. You have choices. Only you and your partner can make those choices. You should simply know there are options.
For the sake of information, here is some information:
A miscarriage, when passed naturally, will look something like this: Truly uncomfortable pain that comes in waves. It comes in waves because your uterus is actually contracting to expel tissue, just as it would in childbirth. This is very uncomfortable and is paired with a shocking amount of bleeding. Many, many women who miscarry actually end up in the ER concerned about the amount of blood loss. For the most part, the most significant amount of blood loss will occur in a 2-8 hour window. You will bleed past that window, but the amount will be closer to that of a heavy period, and it will likely continue to be pretty dang uncomfortable. In the miscarriage window, the blood loss is alarming, you might pass large pieces of tissue, and the process is- for lack of a better term- quite traumatic.
You can chose to do a D&C, which is medically removing tissue from the uterus and often recommended by western medicine practitioners. As with any medical procedure, it doesn’t come without risk, and many women seek out alternative options, just as many women choose a D&C to help them through the process. As I always say, you have to do what is best for you, but just know this- there are options out there and you should never feel forced into one decision or another. By choosing to do a D&C, you might skip over a little bit of the particularly traumatic parts, but you will still experience a significant amount of bleeding. By choosing to work with acupuncturist, herbalist, or steam therapist, you will pass the tissue naturally.
No one talks about the recovery- they just say once you have a period you’re free to try to get pregnant again. Wow. That’s a profound lack of information. Being told that does not make you confident about trying again. Trust me when I say, there is work that can be done to help your body recover optimally. There is work that can be done to prepare your body for another pregnancy.
You have now essentially entered a postpartum period. NO ONE talks about that when they discuss recovery. No one talks about the affect of blood loss or the taxation on your adrenals. No one talks about physical or emotional recovery. This experience WAS NOT a really bad period and I am so, so heartbroken by women being told to view it that way. You had an entire hormonal cascade that was NOT menstruation. It is okay to acknowledge that, and it is okay to permit yourself some recovery time.
Four- When you DO start trying again, you will, without a doubt, be some level of terrified. No matter what anyone does or what any one says, you will wonder these things: What if I never get pregnant again? What if I can’t hold a pregnancy? What if I miscarry again? What if something goes wrong? I could literally fill a whole second blog post with pregnancy concerns. I’m not going to. I’m also not going to pretend I could say anything that would make that go away. The only thing I can say that might provide an inkling of comfort is that many, many women have miscarried and then gone on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby later on.
Once you’ve experienced a miscarriage you’ve been entered into a not-so-exclusive club that no one wants to be a member of and very few women want to talk about. You’ve entered a sisterhood that is constructed upon grief, trauma, and heartbreak with little, if any, positive foundation. Mama, I see you. I know how much it hurt, I know how much you cried, and I know you will never forget that due date. Whether you chose to stay quiet or chose to speak up, we know that while you never got to hold your baby in your arms, you will forever hold that love in your heart.
If you have experienced a miscarriage and are looking for support, we are here for you. We offer multiple services to support miscarriage recovery. We also recommend the following resources:
The Women’s Clinic of Northern Colorado (Miscarriage Support Group)